A better understanding. . .

"Surrounded by people that used to say that rhyme about sticks and stones. As if broken bones hurt more than the names we got called and we got called them all. So we grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us. That we'd be lonely forever."

"If you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, then get a better mirror.  Look a little closer.  Stare a little longer."

"If the right people call you friend, it shouldn't matter what anyone else calls you. I know it does - how well I know - but it shouldn't.  And one day, you will forget, and you will forgive, and it won't hurt any more. Then the only names you'll have to fight being called are the ones you call yourself.  I'll warn you now: those are the hardest not to believe."  - Chris Jones

"If you can relate to this, then you too know the pain and suffering that children, teens, and even adults are going through.  If you can relate to this, you made it to the end.  Now ask yourself, how can you help someone else make it to the end before they end themselves." - Kyle Harris

Slipping away. . .

I can feel you slipping away.

Ever since that night that your mom called, you've been pulling.

You tell me that that's not the case but I know better. I've been through this countless times before.

And I'm not gonna even try to stop you this time. Because I've learned that the harder I hold on, the harder someone will pull. And so I just have to watch you walk away. Leaving me behind.

Nice knowing you while I did.

Love you.

- Rachel

Flightless bird. . .

Somedays, I feel like I could fly.
I climb to the top of the tallest cliff I can find. I am confident the whole way up that, this time, I will be able to. That I will jump off and soar away.
I get to the top, jump, and flap my wings just as hard and as fast as I can.
But I am a penguin. I cannot fly. So I fall. I fall and I crash.
And it hurts so much every time. So why do I keep trying to fly?
I just do not know anymore.
I do not know.

The crash. . .

I always get lifted up so high, just to come spiraling down.
Best mood I have been in since before I can remember. Just to have it crash and burn and leave me locked in my room, in tears.
Why can't I just have one good day?

Not an option. . .

I need to get this under control.
I can't just call him in the middle of the night whenever things get really bad.
He's not always gonna be there.
I'm glad he was this time. Who knows what would've happened.
But I need to get this under control.

As if this couldn't get more awesome. . .

My car tried to kill itself and take me with it.

I've decided to fall for the attractive guy at the grocery store that asked me if I was finding everything okay so that I can attempt to forget about the guy I've actually fallen for.
I am just. that. pathetic.

I am so frustrated about everything right now.

What's the difference between me and a calendar. . . ?

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."

Sorry. Feeling kinda bleh and lonely. But not in a "I wanna NCMO" kinda way. More in a "I want someone to cuddle with or hold my hand or play with my hair" kinda way.

Time for another rant. . .

I've been handling myself very well over the past week. But I can't take it anymore. I have to put it all down on paper (well, technological paper) and just get it all off my chest.

Firstly, I think it's time to find a new doctor. My current doctor sucks. He is just like every other moron that thinks that I'm just "being dramatic" with this whole depression thing. He's cutting corners and leaving me on my own with all this. He brushed me off today and told me to go back on my old medication. You know. The stuff that STOPPED WORKING. Yeah. Simply because he doesn't want to put in the effort to actually help me.

Next topic. The next person that calls me out for "sexual harassment" at work can suck my toes. Someone that I've known for nearly 5 years asks me to scratch his back while I'm standing there talking to him and I get called out by someone in front of everyone for "inappropriate work behavior". Are you serious? Firstly, it's not sexual harassment if the other person "consents" or whatever stupid term you want to use. He asked me to. And I wasn't do it "sexually". I was scratching him like you would scratch a dog. Seriously? Grow up. This is obnoxious.

Now. To quote an unknown source. "The truth? I like you. A lot. You make me happy. You make me laugh. You're smart. You're different. You're a little crazy and awkward and your smile alone can make my day." Anyone that doesn't know who I'm talking about doesn't need to. And anyone that does. . . Yeah.
Really, I just want you to smile and be happy. It hurts me to see you upset like this. Especially when you won't talk to me. I mean, I tell you everything and have never betrayed you in any way. Why can't you trust me?

On the topic of where I'm living: Yes, I have temporarily moved in with Hamish's parents. They are amazing and I love them very much. Yes, I am looking for a new place to live. I can't stand the management at my apartment anymore and I need to get to a more stable environment.

On the topic of a certain best friend that I'm almost certain will never read this: I am sorry for my part in all this but I refuse to shoulder all the blame. So stop trying to put it all on me. You know that you were never invisible and that I was almost always putting your interests above my own. Don't insult me. I'm a good friend and I know that now. I was always trying to talk to you and make sure you were okay. You were always brushing me off and ignoring me. I constantly told you how fantastic you looked on whatever day. The first thing you said to me when I cut my hair was "what the hell did you do to your head?"
If you can't accept it, that's not my fault. But I'm not going to allow myself to be treated like crap.
I really hope that we can be friends again some day. But, as for right now, I can't. Because I don't deserve to be treated as an option by someone that I treat as priority.

I am strong and I am worth it.

Too late. . .

I tried to not trust too much. . .
I tried to keep some distance. . .
I tried to not fall. . .

Money. . .

The bank, my apartment managers, and I got in a fight this week.

I lost.

AWESOME!

Late fees for the rent.  Overdraft fees for the negative balance.

AND I'm gonna run out of gas on the way home.  And I have no money to put into the tank!!!