Over-analyzing and the inability to get past everything. . .

I look at my blog statistics and I see the number of page views rise and continue to wonder if it's you reading.  If you're seeing the pain I'm going through.  But it's probably not.  It's probably nothing.  

It's the last day of 2012 and I look back on my year.  I look at everything that happened.  Everything I've done.  Am I proud?  Not in the least.  I graduated high school by my fingernails.  I got an amazing boyfriend and, as it will happen, messed things up and lost him.  I messed up my 1st semester of college bad enough that, now, my GPA is crap and I don't qualify for financial aid.  So I can't afford to go to classes.  Which I need to go to in order to get my GPA up.  So that I can get financial aid.  I also managed to hurt and, in turn, lose one of the greatest guys to ever enter my life.  And, yes, he was dropped in my life.  And, as he says, you have to show someone every single day how much they mean to you.  And I didn't.  I left him in the cold.  I unappreciated everything he did for me.  And now, when it all hits me like a semi-truck, he'd rather me fall off the edge of the earth than ever see me again.  

Why is it that I can't get past these things like I've been able to get past everything else?  Why can't I forget the words you yelled at me that horrible night?  Why can't I get past the fact that you're not coming back?  Why do I have the song "Hummingbird Heartbeat" stuck in my head?  

I guess I just have to find new methods.

As for now, I need a hug from someone that won't come near me.

Slipping but holding on with everything I've got.

-Rachel

. . .

I see your red flags because I'm looking. . . 

You don't see mine because you're not. . . 

I would suggest opening your eyes before you're too late.

I used to be one. . .

I used to be "one of the nerds upstairs". . .

I used to be one of the really happy people. . .

I used to be able to fix everything and handle anything. . .

Look at where I am now.  I'm sitting in my apartment, alone, on a Saturday night.  While all the people I used to belong with are upstairs having fun, I sit here on my couch, blogging.  Because I'm not one of them anymore.  I'm not a nerd upstairs.  I'm not one of the really happy people.  I can't fix or handle anything.
I can't even go up there anymore without one of them leaving the apartment and not coming back until they know for a fact I'm gone.  And it breaks my heart every time he slams that door, seconds after I walk through it.

It's all my fault.

And the yelling.  I can't handle the yelling anymore.  If you yell at me one more time, whether it's about my family life, or who I am in general, I'm pretty sure I'll snap.

The nightmares are taking over.  I'm exhausted and, yet, I can't sleep.  I just stare at the wall and all the images play like a montage of my life.  Every single painful thing that my mind won't refuse to let go of.  All the fights, the words, everything.  Everything that any of you guys have ever said.  The guys that I thought I could trust.  The guys that proved me wrong and right at the same.

There's a constant tear just sitting there in my eye.  Wanting to come out.  But I can't let it.  Crying makes me weak.  It shows vulnerability.  And I can't let them see me like that.  Can't let them know I'm broken.  Because then they'll leave for good.  And the one that was supposedly going to come back, won't.

Not that you were going to anyways.  I knew the second you left, you were gone for good.  I'm never getting my friend back.  Ever.  And I don't blame you.  Not after what I did.

I'm sorry for that by the way.  Not that you'll ever read this to know.

Did you know that I check your blog multiple times a day?  I know it sounds creepy.  But I'm worried about you.  And I'm scared.  And so I check it in hopes you'll post something. . . anything.

A horrible day made better by webcam photos. . .

You can't make me. . .

You can't make me go back on my medication.

You can't force me to let you spend the night.

You won't be able to persuade me to do anything.  Because I am my own person.  I don't have to do anything I don't want to.  I make my own decisions.  And if that means that both of you are mad at me, so be it.

I'm not going back on my meds.

You need to go home.

The end.

Gravity. . .

I listen to this song with tears in my eyes as I realize that I'm slipping back into my depression.

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here till the moment till the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch
You keep my without chains
I've never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love
And not feel your rain
--Chorus--
-Set me free
-Leave me be
-I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
-Here I am
-And I stand so tall
-Just the way I'm supposed to be
-But you're onto me
-And all over me
--Chorus--
You loved me cuz I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touched me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone
(Chorus)
I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see 
That you're everything I need 
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe 

Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

Keeping me down
You're onto me

Onto me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

There won't be any left to come back to. . .

You say that you're going to disappear for a while and come back as my friend.

You can do that if you want.  But the old Rachel won't be here when you come back.  There will be nothing left of the Rachel you know now.  She didn't work.  So it's time to let her die, like the others before her.  It's time to break it down and rebuild her, yet again.  And if it'll make everyone happy, it'll be worth it.  It'll be hard.  And it'll take a lot of self-control to not lose it.  But I can do it.  If it means that you are all happy, I can do it.

No more chasing. . .

You no longer have to chase me.  I'm just going to stand here.  I'm not walking towards you.  I'm not running away.  I'm not teasing you.  I'm just standing here, looking down.  Alone in the cold, with the snow swirling around me.  Hoping that the cold will make me numb to all of this.  Because this hurts more than I can bare.

You were one of the few people left.  One of the few that was still willing to be around me.  One of the few that hadn't left like all the rest.

I tried to make this whole thing work but there's no pleasing you.  I can't give you what you want.  And anything I do to try and make you happy gets thrown in my face.  So I'll just leave.  Because, as you said, you can't be happy with me in your life.  Being my friend just isn't enough for you.  And it never will be.

So I'll just disappear.  The elation you'll feel, knowing you won't have to deal with the pain of my existence in your life anymore will be greater than that of when you eat really good sushi.

One Week Ends and Another Begins. . .

This first part is going to be on a bit of a spiritual note.  Something that I don't usually do but I feel like I really just need to put this out there.

I am a member of the LDS church.  A church that I absolutely believe to be true.  I might not be the perfect angel Mormon that I should be.  Yes, I have a bit of a swearing problem.  And I don't go to church NEARLY as often as I should.  But I believe in it.  There is no way I could ever deny that it is true.  The amount of prayers I have answered.  The amount of people that have changed my life that I would have never met if it weren't for the church.  And then this week added one more thing to the list.  The way the priesthood effects my life.
I add this to the list because, earlier this week when I was HIGHLY emotionally distressed and I felt like my world was caving in on me.  I felt like I was trapped and I was just ready to give up, curl up in bed, and hide for the rest of my life.  But, as a final gasp for air, I called out to my friends Hamish and Nicholas and I asked them if they would give me a blessing.  So, at 3AM on Saturday morning, they came down to my apartment and gave me a blessing.  They blessed me that I would be able to have a clear mind through all of this so that I could figure out what my best option was at this point in my life.  They blessed me that I would be able to sleep.  And they blessed me that I would be able to be happy.  Well, I slept.  A LOT.  We're talking, coma status.  And I was happy DESPITE forgetting to take my medication twice.  And I was able to wake up with a completely clear head and a 100% understanding of what my next step should be.
"If the temple isn't his castle, then he's not your prince."
So, anyways.  This is my testimony that the church is true and that it is amazing.

This second part is on a WAY lighter note.
I!
AM!
HAPPY!
Those who know me know that this is a BIG deal.  I have severe depression.  I am on medication for it.  And sometimes that doesn't even work.  And when I forget to take that medication, I get REALLY depressed.  Well, I forgot today.  And I was braced for tonight to ABSOLUTELY SUCK.  But, guess what?  It didn't!  I had an awesome night!  I went on a date with my friend Kyle.  And then I watched Lord of the Rings with some of my absolutely amazing friends (Bryan, Taylor and Peterson, to be exact).

Now, on the topic of a couple boys.  Boy #1, I cannot believe that, after everything, you were completely okay with crushing me the way you did today.  Saying that I "hate relationships" because I just "want to be the girl that everybody wants" in order for me to "feel any goodness about myself". That I only "get a boyfriend so that I can have one person who will deal with my sh*t and still be there no matter what" and that, as soon as I really start caring for that person, I "drop them and run for the hills". AND that you can now see why all my friends leave me. And then you have the NERVE to end it with "have a great life" and that you hope that someday I'll be able to change before I "end up hurting another poor guy".
As if you hadn't hurt me enough?! No, sir. I hope YOU have a great life. P.S. Eternal middle finger in your direction.
Boy #2, THANK YOU! You are absolutely amazing. you have helped me SO much this week with everything. And I am glad that you are finally getting to be able to trust me again after I messed things up so badly. You are absolutely incredible and I hope that we can keep this going for a while. I know that you're scared but that's okay. I understand. And you can take as long as you need. I just want to say thank you for coming back. It means the world to me. And so do you.  

Hopeful for a good, blissful week.

-R
:)

Music of Life. . .

I know that everyone already knows this but I just thought I'd state it outright.

There is a song for every single situation.  There is always a song that will be able to perfectly describe exactly how you feel.  And sometimes, it'll make you cry harder.  Or smile bigger.  Or get more angry.  But there is no doubt in your head that it is EXACTLY how you feel at that moment.

Now, the frustrating thing about that is when you just can't find the right song to embody how you feel at that moment.  This is the rut I currently find myself in.  I'm hurt and confused and I just want to disappear.  But, despite my VAST music knowledge and library, I can't find a song that tells the story perfectly.

Well, back to iTunes to find my next music fix.

Musically frustrated.

-R

Feeling Poetic. . .

I can feel it in my teeth

As well as my heart

There's a storm coming

Destined to tear us apart

And as the rain falls

Washing the tomato off my car

I watch you walk away

I read your text 'goodbye'

Hoping that one of you will come back

So that maybe

Just maybe

I won't have to do this alone

The irony of rain is that it cleanses the earth

But it's also so depressing

Maybe it's because the earth feels the pain of being cleansed

Because it hurts to have everything washed away

Just Ignore This Post. . .

I've been spending the last week whining on Facebook about how depressed I am and, honestly, I'm sick of everyone taking fake pity on me.  But I need some way to vent my feelings so I'm just going to splurge them on here.

This week has been one of the absolute worst ever.  I haven't felt this much emotional pain in such a short period of time since I was suicidal in Australia.

I'm losing everyone.  Marshall, who I was pretty sure I was going to marry.  All my guy friends upstairs.  They are all mad at me.  Bryan, who I really care about and never meant to hurt.  And I even might lose my job over a stupid test that I can't pass.  I need to pass it in order to keep my job.  And yet, I can't.

Now, I don't know where I am going or who I am or who cares or who doesn't.  I don't know where I stand with anybody.  I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or next week or anything.  For the longest time, I thought I had it all figured out.  But now, it's just a blank.  Marshall's sister doesn't want us to be together and that crushes me because I really want to be with him I know that his relationship with his sisters are really really important and so I refuse to stand in between that.  If I had a relationship with my brother like that, I wouldn't let anything get in the way. I'm losing my friends because they don't agree with my decision to be with Marshall because they're afraid that I'm going to get hurt.

And then, there's Bryan.  Probably one of the few people that is going to read this post, despite the title saying "Just Ignore This Post. . .".  Bryan is someone who completely understands every single angle of my personality.  I will never understand how he does it.  But he can read me like a book.  He understands every little thing i say and exactly what I mean by it.  I can sit there and talk to him for hours on end about photography and places I want to visit and my favorite things and he can just understand.  And he'll talk too.  He will just talk about the most random things.  And we both just understand each other   And the problem is, I keep hurting him.  And who knows if I forced myself into thinking that there could never be anything between us or if I really just didn't feel anything.  Either way, I keep hurting him.  Because I am a selfish person.  And I feel so terrible about it.  I feel absolutely horrible.  I feel horrible that I looked someone in the eye that had trusted me and I hurt him.

I really wish that I could something. . . ANYTHING to make it better.  Because if anybody in this situation deserves to be happy, it's him.  Him and Marshall.  And the problem is that neither of them are happy.  And it's all because of me.  But I can't.  And Marshall will sit there and say that he is happy with me.  But I know him better than that.  I can see through it.  He wishes I could be more.  And Bryan will say that he's okay.  And maybe he will be.  But, right now, he's hurt.  Because of me.  And I hate that.

I seriously just want to crawl into a hole and disappear.  I just wish that Marshall and Bryan and everyone could just forget about me.  Because I know that it would make everybody a lot happier.  Now, nobody be alarmed.  This is not a suicide note or letter or anything like that.  I'm not going to do anything stupid.  I have promised too many people that I won't ever try that.  But if I could just make these people forget about me, that would be amazing.  Because I know that they would be a lot happier.

You know what else?  I think the fact that I might lose my job tomorrow over a stupid test that is NOTHING like the real thing is absolutely obnoxious.  I am in training to be a customer support representative and we have 3 tests.  One per module (section).  If we fail any of the tests, we get one retake per module.  And I failed the voice module today.  And so I get to retake it tomorrow.  And if I fail it, I lose my job.  And it's absolutely stupid because I have no idea what the point of it is.  I've been doing simulations of this stuff for the past 2 weeks and I've been watching the real deal.  And it is NOTHING like what these stupid tests are asking us.  NOTHING AT ALL.  How callers really are and how you actually run the programs and such is NOTHING like what these stupid things are testing you on.

Anyways, that's my rant.  And I still feel stressed.  I might blog again later tonight with more BLAH.  Feel free to ignore that one too.

2 and 1/2 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours and yet another sleepless night ahead.

-R

Things I Realized Today. . .

- Praying isn't nearly as hard or as scary as I thought it was.

- Reading scriptures with your boyfriend is AWESOME.

- Marshall going on his mission terrifies me (although, I am 100% supportive!!).

- The sooner he leaves, the sooner he comes home.

- Any cute sentence that ends with a sexual comment is no longer cute.

- Things are going to be okay.

- Water Pokemon beat Fire Pokemon (duh).

and...

- Marshall snores a little bit.  But I don't think he knows.

As you can tell, I've had a very interesting day today and really didn't have any specific topic to blog about.

Love you all anyways and I'm sure I'll come up with something clever to write about later.  Goodnight!

-R

Bank Account and my Overwhelm

So I'm kinda in rage-mode right now.  So I apologize for the following rant.

As it stands, between my 4 accounts in my 2 banks, I have a total of
-$8.17 to my name (donations are happily accepted).  And I still haven't paid my phone/insurance bill to my dad this month.  Awesome, I know.  Luckily, I HAVE paid my rent this month.  Which means I'm not gonna get evicted.  Thank goodness.  Because, as much as I love my parents, I do not want to move back in with them.

The problem with banking right now is that they have this horrible thing called an "overdraft fee".  It is a terrible fee that is a tax on the poor.  I know.  I know.  It is how banks make their money and it's a necessity and I'm a whiner.  Blah blah blah.  That doesn't mean that I like it AT ALL.  For those that don't know what an "overdraft fee" is.  It is a fee you get when you go into a negative amount in your bank account.  So it is a fee that they charge you for being broke.  Why that makes ANY sense, I will never know.  It's like giving people tickets for not having car insurance.  They don't have car insurance because they can't afford it.  So you fee them?  That's obnoxious.  Yes, it makes sense.  But it doesn't solve the problem.
Anyways, so they place a big fat fee on you ($35 in my case).  Which sends you even more into the negative.  And for every week (I think) that you're in the negative, they fine you $35 more dollars!  Sending you further into the negative.  Awesome!  Please!  Fee me!  So I now have an ugly negative number in my bank account.  I can't buy groceries.  I can't pay my dad for my phone and insurance bill this month.  And I can't put gas in my car.  Wanna know the problem with that?  Without gas, I can't go to work.  If I don't go to work, I don't get paid.  If I don't get paid, I have no money to put into my bank accounts.  It is a long, vicious cycle.  Hopefully, one that will be broken with my next paycheck.

Also, I have the flu.  Incredible.

Leaving on a good note, my antidepressants are working wonderfully and I am feeling like a completely normal person.  I have my ups and downs.  And I get to actually enjoy my ups!  It is absolutely amazing.  No, I am not constantly in a good mood.  And that's not what I want.  I want to have normal emotions.  I want to have goods and bads.  With depression, I couldn't have those.  I had bads and REALLY bads.  But things are getting better.  And I couldn't be happier.

Happily overwhelmed.

-R

Let the REAL Blogging Begin

The real blogging is about to begin, world.  I'm gonna start posting on a regular basis.  Just stating random things going on my life.  People (family, mainly) has told me that they have no idea what I'm doing with my life these days.  Well, this will give you a bit of an idea what's going on in my (frankly, boring) life.

So, here goes.  Me.  Rachel Julia Peterson.  A freshman at UVU that has -$8.17 to her name (a long story that will probably be explained later) and makes a habit of hanging out with a bunch of guys dressed in green morph suits, is going to start blogging on a regular basis.  I am going to start posting things in my life.  Because i have stuff to say.  And who really cares if nobody ever reads it?  At least it will be out there to be read, right?

Marvel vs. DC (Movies) (Don't argue with me about the comics)

There has been a battle going on since the dawn of time about Marvel vs. DC. Well, I wanted to bring the verdict in.

When it comes to movies, Marvel wins. Hands down.

The Avengers, Iron Man 1&2 (wouldn't be as awesome without the AC/DC-packed soundtrack), Thor, Captain America, and The Incredible Hulk were all fantastic movies!! Then you add in All the other awesome characters like Hawkeye and Black Widow and life is complete.

What does DC have?
Superman (horrible), Green Lantern (why is he white in the new movie?), Wonder Woman (couldn't make a live-action of that one without it being practically porn), and then a bunch of other characters that nobody's ever heard of.
The one redeeming thing that DC has is Batman. Anybody that knows me knows I love Batman. I have a belt, hat, pin, bobble-head, poster, and more than a couple t-shirts. Batman is, by far, the coolest superhero. He is the hero without powers. Everything he does, he does to help others. He's like Iron Man (Tony Starks) but with a heart and not so intense body armor. Plus, the movies are incredible. Dark Knight was done so incredibly that it blew t mind that they made a sequel (Dark Knight Rises, July 18, 2012). There's no way it will be even remotely as good as The Dark Knight (Especially with Anne Hathaway in it. She's great in chick-flicks and comedies but, so far, sucks at even remotely serious roles. I reference the white queen from Alice in Wonderland.)
Short version: Marvel wins. Unless you're Batman. In which case, Batman always wins.

Getting someone off your mind. . .

I've been tryIng to get someone off my mind and it is proving to be a more difficuLt task than previOusly thought.

It is Very much like telling someone not to think about elEphants. Well, what are theY thinking about now? Elephants.

Telling yourself to stop thinking about someOne only makes you think aboUt them more.

This is problem that I've encountered this week and many time before and I'm here to say that the only cure there is for it is distraction. Find something you enjoy doing and do it. Hopefully, it'll distract you enough that you'll be able to get the person off your mid.

If distraction doesn't work, the only other advice I can give is to either A. Keep moving forward hoping things will get better with time and that you'll slowly be able to forget them. Or B. Go back to that person and you'll no longer need to complete the task of getting them off your mind.

As I sit in the waiting room. . . Things are looking up.

I'm sitting in the waiting room at a counseling office. Waiting for my first appointment.

I am extremely nervous.

This is the first time I will sit down and talk to a complete stranger about the things in my mind, the things I've been through, and the things I want to do with my life.

Throughout today, I've been reflecting on a few things and I have come to realize that things are looking up. Things are going to start getting better. I have a job that I love. Coworkers and managers that are awesome. I have people I can talk to. People that care and will listen. I sat down with Chris Jones and had an incredible conversation with him today. He was able to give me a new perspective and some hope. I'm about to start my counseling. I have amazing friends that are always there for me. ("Good friends are the people that love you even when you're not very lovable.") I have church leaders that are there for me and are supportive through everything that's happening. I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do.

I wrote a list today of things I will do:
- I will beat this.
- I will win.
- I will choose happiness.
- I will be free.

The list goes on but those are my top 4. I'll eventually put the whole thing on here. But those are the top 4 for now.

Thank you, my friends, for reading and for always being so incredible.

Trials, drama, and tears. . . Short version: I'm so sorry.

This week has been one of many obstacles. There has been so much happening all at once and it led to one of the worst breakdowns I've had in a long time.

For those who don't know me very well, I deal with anxiety and depression (much like a lot of people my age these days). It has been something in my life for a very long time and I'm coping with it and just learning how to make it through each day at a time.

When there is a lot of drama in my life, my anxiety goes into overdrive, as it were, and I go into freakout mode and try to fix everything. It's just how I am. I don't like seeing my friends get hurt or upset. So I try to fix things.

This week, there was a lot of drama about prom (happening next week). The specifics aren't important but I tried to fix it because a lot of my friends were upset and frustrated by the situation. So, as I do, I went about trying to fix it as best I could for all involved (yes, everyone). The problem is that I ended up hurting a few people's feelings in the process without meaning to. It's actually what I was trying NOT to do.

So that's what this is about. This is a post to apologize.

Megan, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. You are an incredible friend and I don't know what I'd do without you. You've always been there for me and you're one of the main reasons I was trying so hard to get this prom thing figured out. I just want you to have fun that night and for you to be happy. I didn't go about it the right way and I'm sorry.

Kaytie, I'm sorry for bringing unneeded drama into your life. I know you hate it. And I know I drive you crazy sometimes. . . Okay, a lot of the time. But I'm so grateful to have you in my life and I don't say it nearly enough. Thank you so much.

Marshall, I know I make mistakes. I'm just glad you're there for me through all of them. I'm sorry that this week ha been difficult on you as well and that it was mainly because of me.

Courtney, Scott, and Lucas, life has been hard and I'm sorry for not making it any easier. But thank you for putting up with me, letting me cry on your shoulder (Scott), not ripping my face off (Courtney), and always being supportive through everything (Lucas).

Thank you guys for always being there for me through every bad decision and every mistake I make. I love you guys. You're my heroes and I hope that you can forgive me but I'll understand if you don't.

I love you guys.

- Rachel

Actions and they're ability to cancel out the words that just exited your mouth. . .

People have said for years that "actions speak louder than words". This phrase has been on my mind a lot today and it is completely true.
If you pay any attention to anything in the news, you'll see that what people say and what people do are 2 completely different things. And that people pay attention to what people do more than what they say.
If the president SAYS that he is done with war (no, I'm not trying to start any sort of Obama-related argument here) and SAYS that he is bring troops home and then he deploys everyone and everything we've got, what are people going to pay attention to? They're going to pay attention to that fact that he just deployed everyone and everything we've got. They're going to pay attention to what he DOES.
The same goes with regular people.
High school kids, for example. I knew a guy that I thought to be an incredibly nice person. Everyone said nice things about him. But, one day, I saw him in the halls and he was making fun of another guy and pushing him around because that guy was openly gay. You can understand why, instantly, I lost all respect for him.
You can talk the talk but you have to walk the walk in order to get real respect. Say what you mean and then do it. You can speak at a drug free assembly but if you go home and smoke a bunch of weed, it cancels out everything you just said.

Tip your drivers. . .

I work for a pizza delivery place. The majority of the money I earn comes from tips.
Now, there are people that I deliver to that give amazing tips and are very nice and they are the reason I love my job. And then there are the people that honestly make me hate my job. Like people that tip $0.64 and live out in Egypt, Lehi. I drove 10+ miles to bring you this pizza. And you are absolutely rude and awful and don't tip me practically anything. You are a non-contributing zero and I hope you inhale that pizza so fast that you choke and have to drink so much water that you then feel the need to pee your pants and then, by the time you get back from either the bathroom or from changing her pants, your pizza will then be cold.
So, the moral of this story is to please tip your drivers. A couple dollars will absolutely make our day and will also help us save up for college, pay for our cell phones and car insurance, and will also help us buy food every once in a while. And, I promise that, if you can afford pizza, you can afford to tip us a couple dollars. Thank you. Have a nice day. This rant brought to you by an annoyed pizza driver that had a bad day at work.

P.S.

I'm going to just state outright that I stole the idea to start a blog from my amazing friend Megan.

You are an inspiration to me more than you'll ever know. Thanks for putting up with me and always being there for me.
Check out and follow her blog @
pretending-to-grow-up.blogspot.com

Thanks!

A New Hair Style, A New Perspective. . .

Over the course of yesterday and today, I dyed and cut my hair. Very drastic change. When I told my parents what I intended to do with my hair, they both gave me the weirdest looks I've ever seen.
Now, a lot of people (including me) were very nervous about how it was going to turn out and, as with all new hair styles, it did not turn out the way I had pictured in my head and I've been told good things and bad things about it.
But, guess what I learned from all this? It's just hair! I've always been completely OCD about my hair and this experience has taught me that it doesn't matter. It will always grow back. Are you going to lose friends over your hair color/style? No. No you are not. Is your family going to disown you because of it? More likely than the friends leaving you but still not probable. So stop freaking out! Do something weird and random with it! Put blue and purple streaks in it. Cut it off. Grown it out. Give yourself bangs or an A-line. Whatever you do, it'll be fun. And, as long as you like it, who cares what other people think? I dyed my hair black (dark brown) and left one streak on the side of my head blonde. So what? I absolutely love it and that's all that matters, right?
Be comfortable, happy, and have fun just being you. It doesn't matter what other people think. (: