I've been spending the last week whining on Facebook about how depressed I am and, honestly, I'm sick of everyone taking fake pity on me. But I need some way to vent my feelings so I'm just going to splurge them on here.
This week has been one of the absolute worst ever. I haven't felt this much emotional pain in such a short period of time since I was suicidal in Australia.
I'm losing everyone. Marshall, who I was pretty sure I was going to marry. All my guy friends upstairs. They are all mad at me. Bryan, who I really care about and never meant to hurt. And I even might lose my job over a stupid test that I can't pass. I need to pass it in order to keep my job. And yet, I can't.
Now, I don't know where I am going or who I am or who cares or who doesn't. I don't know where I stand with anybody. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or next week or anything. For the longest time, I thought I had it all figured out. But now, it's just a blank. Marshall's sister doesn't want us to be together and that crushes me because I really want to be with him I know that his relationship with his sisters are really really important and so I refuse to stand in between that. If I had a relationship with my brother like that, I wouldn't let anything get in the way. I'm losing my friends because they don't agree with my decision to be with Marshall because they're afraid that I'm going to get hurt.
And then, there's Bryan. Probably one of the few people that is going to read this post, despite the title saying "Just Ignore This Post. . .". Bryan is someone who completely understands every single angle of my personality. I will never understand how he does it. But he can read me like a book. He understands every little thing i say and exactly what I mean by it. I can sit there and talk to him for hours on end about photography and places I want to visit and my favorite things and he can just understand. And he'll talk too. He will just talk about the most random things. And we both just understand each other And the problem is, I keep hurting him. And who knows if I forced myself into thinking that there could never be anything between us or if I really just didn't feel anything. Either way, I keep hurting him. Because I am a selfish person. And I feel so terrible about it. I feel absolutely horrible. I feel horrible that I looked someone in the eye that had trusted me and I hurt him.
I really wish that I could something. . . ANYTHING to make it better. Because if anybody in this situation deserves to be happy, it's him. Him and Marshall. And the problem is that neither of them are happy. And it's all because of me. But I can't. And Marshall will sit there and say that he is happy with me. But I know him better than that. I can see through it. He wishes I could be more. And Bryan will say that he's okay. And maybe he will be. But, right now, he's hurt. Because of me. And I hate that.
I seriously just want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I just wish that Marshall and Bryan and everyone could just forget about me. Because I know that it would make everybody a lot happier. Now, nobody be alarmed. This is not a suicide note or letter or anything like that. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I have promised too many people that I won't ever try that. But if I could just make these people forget about me, that would be amazing. Because I know that they would be a lot happier.
You know what else? I think the fact that I might lose my job tomorrow over a stupid test that is NOTHING like the real thing is absolutely obnoxious. I am in training to be a customer support representative and we have 3 tests. One per module (section). If we fail any of the tests, we get one retake per module. And I failed the voice module today. And so I get to retake it tomorrow. And if I fail it, I lose my job. And it's absolutely stupid because I have no idea what the point of it is. I've been doing simulations of this stuff for the past 2 weeks and I've been watching the real deal. And it is NOTHING like what these stupid tests are asking us. NOTHING AT ALL. How callers really are and how you actually run the programs and such is NOTHING like what these stupid things are testing you on.
Anyways, that's my rant. And I still feel stressed. I might blog again later tonight with more BLAH. Feel free to ignore that one too.
2 and 1/2 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours and yet another sleepless night ahead.
-R
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