Over-analyzing and the inability to get past everything. . .

I look at my blog statistics and I see the number of page views rise and continue to wonder if it's you reading.  If you're seeing the pain I'm going through.  But it's probably not.  It's probably nothing.  

It's the last day of 2012 and I look back on my year.  I look at everything that happened.  Everything I've done.  Am I proud?  Not in the least.  I graduated high school by my fingernails.  I got an amazing boyfriend and, as it will happen, messed things up and lost him.  I messed up my 1st semester of college bad enough that, now, my GPA is crap and I don't qualify for financial aid.  So I can't afford to go to classes.  Which I need to go to in order to get my GPA up.  So that I can get financial aid.  I also managed to hurt and, in turn, lose one of the greatest guys to ever enter my life.  And, yes, he was dropped in my life.  And, as he says, you have to show someone every single day how much they mean to you.  And I didn't.  I left him in the cold.  I unappreciated everything he did for me.  And now, when it all hits me like a semi-truck, he'd rather me fall off the edge of the earth than ever see me again.  

Why is it that I can't get past these things like I've been able to get past everything else?  Why can't I forget the words you yelled at me that horrible night?  Why can't I get past the fact that you're not coming back?  Why do I have the song "Hummingbird Heartbeat" stuck in my head?  

I guess I just have to find new methods.

As for now, I need a hug from someone that won't come near me.

Slipping but holding on with everything I've got.

-Rachel

. . .

I see your red flags because I'm looking. . . 

You don't see mine because you're not. . . 

I would suggest opening your eyes before you're too late.

I used to be one. . .

I used to be "one of the nerds upstairs". . .

I used to be one of the really happy people. . .

I used to be able to fix everything and handle anything. . .

Look at where I am now.  I'm sitting in my apartment, alone, on a Saturday night.  While all the people I used to belong with are upstairs having fun, I sit here on my couch, blogging.  Because I'm not one of them anymore.  I'm not a nerd upstairs.  I'm not one of the really happy people.  I can't fix or handle anything.
I can't even go up there anymore without one of them leaving the apartment and not coming back until they know for a fact I'm gone.  And it breaks my heart every time he slams that door, seconds after I walk through it.

It's all my fault.

And the yelling.  I can't handle the yelling anymore.  If you yell at me one more time, whether it's about my family life, or who I am in general, I'm pretty sure I'll snap.

The nightmares are taking over.  I'm exhausted and, yet, I can't sleep.  I just stare at the wall and all the images play like a montage of my life.  Every single painful thing that my mind won't refuse to let go of.  All the fights, the words, everything.  Everything that any of you guys have ever said.  The guys that I thought I could trust.  The guys that proved me wrong and right at the same.

There's a constant tear just sitting there in my eye.  Wanting to come out.  But I can't let it.  Crying makes me weak.  It shows vulnerability.  And I can't let them see me like that.  Can't let them know I'm broken.  Because then they'll leave for good.  And the one that was supposedly going to come back, won't.

Not that you were going to anyways.  I knew the second you left, you were gone for good.  I'm never getting my friend back.  Ever.  And I don't blame you.  Not after what I did.

I'm sorry for that by the way.  Not that you'll ever read this to know.

Did you know that I check your blog multiple times a day?  I know it sounds creepy.  But I'm worried about you.  And I'm scared.  And so I check it in hopes you'll post something. . . anything.

A horrible day made better by webcam photos. . .

You can't make me. . .

You can't make me go back on my medication.

You can't force me to let you spend the night.

You won't be able to persuade me to do anything.  Because I am my own person.  I don't have to do anything I don't want to.  I make my own decisions.  And if that means that both of you are mad at me, so be it.

I'm not going back on my meds.

You need to go home.

The end.

Gravity. . .

I listen to this song with tears in my eyes as I realize that I'm slipping back into my depression.

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here till the moment till the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch
You keep my without chains
I've never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love
And not feel your rain
--Chorus--
-Set me free
-Leave me be
-I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
-Here I am
-And I stand so tall
-Just the way I'm supposed to be
-But you're onto me
-And all over me
--Chorus--
You loved me cuz I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touched me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone
(Chorus)
I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see 
That you're everything I need 
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe 

Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

Keeping me down
You're onto me

Onto me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

There won't be any left to come back to. . .

You say that you're going to disappear for a while and come back as my friend.

You can do that if you want.  But the old Rachel won't be here when you come back.  There will be nothing left of the Rachel you know now.  She didn't work.  So it's time to let her die, like the others before her.  It's time to break it down and rebuild her, yet again.  And if it'll make everyone happy, it'll be worth it.  It'll be hard.  And it'll take a lot of self-control to not lose it.  But I can do it.  If it means that you are all happy, I can do it.

No more chasing. . .

You no longer have to chase me.  I'm just going to stand here.  I'm not walking towards you.  I'm not running away.  I'm not teasing you.  I'm just standing here, looking down.  Alone in the cold, with the snow swirling around me.  Hoping that the cold will make me numb to all of this.  Because this hurts more than I can bare.

You were one of the few people left.  One of the few that was still willing to be around me.  One of the few that hadn't left like all the rest.

I tried to make this whole thing work but there's no pleasing you.  I can't give you what you want.  And anything I do to try and make you happy gets thrown in my face.  So I'll just leave.  Because, as you said, you can't be happy with me in your life.  Being my friend just isn't enough for you.  And it never will be.

So I'll just disappear.  The elation you'll feel, knowing you won't have to deal with the pain of my existence in your life anymore will be greater than that of when you eat really good sushi.