One Week Ends and Another Begins. . .

This first part is going to be on a bit of a spiritual note.  Something that I don't usually do but I feel like I really just need to put this out there.

I am a member of the LDS church.  A church that I absolutely believe to be true.  I might not be the perfect angel Mormon that I should be.  Yes, I have a bit of a swearing problem.  And I don't go to church NEARLY as often as I should.  But I believe in it.  There is no way I could ever deny that it is true.  The amount of prayers I have answered.  The amount of people that have changed my life that I would have never met if it weren't for the church.  And then this week added one more thing to the list.  The way the priesthood effects my life.
I add this to the list because, earlier this week when I was HIGHLY emotionally distressed and I felt like my world was caving in on me.  I felt like I was trapped and I was just ready to give up, curl up in bed, and hide for the rest of my life.  But, as a final gasp for air, I called out to my friends Hamish and Nicholas and I asked them if they would give me a blessing.  So, at 3AM on Saturday morning, they came down to my apartment and gave me a blessing.  They blessed me that I would be able to have a clear mind through all of this so that I could figure out what my best option was at this point in my life.  They blessed me that I would be able to sleep.  And they blessed me that I would be able to be happy.  Well, I slept.  A LOT.  We're talking, coma status.  And I was happy DESPITE forgetting to take my medication twice.  And I was able to wake up with a completely clear head and a 100% understanding of what my next step should be.
"If the temple isn't his castle, then he's not your prince."
So, anyways.  This is my testimony that the church is true and that it is amazing.

This second part is on a WAY lighter note.
I!
AM!
HAPPY!
Those who know me know that this is a BIG deal.  I have severe depression.  I am on medication for it.  And sometimes that doesn't even work.  And when I forget to take that medication, I get REALLY depressed.  Well, I forgot today.  And I was braced for tonight to ABSOLUTELY SUCK.  But, guess what?  It didn't!  I had an awesome night!  I went on a date with my friend Kyle.  And then I watched Lord of the Rings with some of my absolutely amazing friends (Bryan, Taylor and Peterson, to be exact).

Now, on the topic of a couple boys.  Boy #1, I cannot believe that, after everything, you were completely okay with crushing me the way you did today.  Saying that I "hate relationships" because I just "want to be the girl that everybody wants" in order for me to "feel any goodness about myself". That I only "get a boyfriend so that I can have one person who will deal with my sh*t and still be there no matter what" and that, as soon as I really start caring for that person, I "drop them and run for the hills". AND that you can now see why all my friends leave me. And then you have the NERVE to end it with "have a great life" and that you hope that someday I'll be able to change before I "end up hurting another poor guy".
As if you hadn't hurt me enough?! No, sir. I hope YOU have a great life. P.S. Eternal middle finger in your direction.
Boy #2, THANK YOU! You are absolutely amazing. you have helped me SO much this week with everything. And I am glad that you are finally getting to be able to trust me again after I messed things up so badly. You are absolutely incredible and I hope that we can keep this going for a while. I know that you're scared but that's okay. I understand. And you can take as long as you need. I just want to say thank you for coming back. It means the world to me. And so do you.  

Hopeful for a good, blissful week.

-R
:)

Music of Life. . .

I know that everyone already knows this but I just thought I'd state it outright.

There is a song for every single situation.  There is always a song that will be able to perfectly describe exactly how you feel.  And sometimes, it'll make you cry harder.  Or smile bigger.  Or get more angry.  But there is no doubt in your head that it is EXACTLY how you feel at that moment.

Now, the frustrating thing about that is when you just can't find the right song to embody how you feel at that moment.  This is the rut I currently find myself in.  I'm hurt and confused and I just want to disappear.  But, despite my VAST music knowledge and library, I can't find a song that tells the story perfectly.

Well, back to iTunes to find my next music fix.

Musically frustrated.

-R

Feeling Poetic. . .

I can feel it in my teeth

As well as my heart

There's a storm coming

Destined to tear us apart

And as the rain falls

Washing the tomato off my car

I watch you walk away

I read your text 'goodbye'

Hoping that one of you will come back

So that maybe

Just maybe

I won't have to do this alone

The irony of rain is that it cleanses the earth

But it's also so depressing

Maybe it's because the earth feels the pain of being cleansed

Because it hurts to have everything washed away

Just Ignore This Post. . .

I've been spending the last week whining on Facebook about how depressed I am and, honestly, I'm sick of everyone taking fake pity on me.  But I need some way to vent my feelings so I'm just going to splurge them on here.

This week has been one of the absolute worst ever.  I haven't felt this much emotional pain in such a short period of time since I was suicidal in Australia.

I'm losing everyone.  Marshall, who I was pretty sure I was going to marry.  All my guy friends upstairs.  They are all mad at me.  Bryan, who I really care about and never meant to hurt.  And I even might lose my job over a stupid test that I can't pass.  I need to pass it in order to keep my job.  And yet, I can't.

Now, I don't know where I am going or who I am or who cares or who doesn't.  I don't know where I stand with anybody.  I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or next week or anything.  For the longest time, I thought I had it all figured out.  But now, it's just a blank.  Marshall's sister doesn't want us to be together and that crushes me because I really want to be with him I know that his relationship with his sisters are really really important and so I refuse to stand in between that.  If I had a relationship with my brother like that, I wouldn't let anything get in the way. I'm losing my friends because they don't agree with my decision to be with Marshall because they're afraid that I'm going to get hurt.

And then, there's Bryan.  Probably one of the few people that is going to read this post, despite the title saying "Just Ignore This Post. . .".  Bryan is someone who completely understands every single angle of my personality.  I will never understand how he does it.  But he can read me like a book.  He understands every little thing i say and exactly what I mean by it.  I can sit there and talk to him for hours on end about photography and places I want to visit and my favorite things and he can just understand.  And he'll talk too.  He will just talk about the most random things.  And we both just understand each other   And the problem is, I keep hurting him.  And who knows if I forced myself into thinking that there could never be anything between us or if I really just didn't feel anything.  Either way, I keep hurting him.  Because I am a selfish person.  And I feel so terrible about it.  I feel absolutely horrible.  I feel horrible that I looked someone in the eye that had trusted me and I hurt him.

I really wish that I could something. . . ANYTHING to make it better.  Because if anybody in this situation deserves to be happy, it's him.  Him and Marshall.  And the problem is that neither of them are happy.  And it's all because of me.  But I can't.  And Marshall will sit there and say that he is happy with me.  But I know him better than that.  I can see through it.  He wishes I could be more.  And Bryan will say that he's okay.  And maybe he will be.  But, right now, he's hurt.  Because of me.  And I hate that.

I seriously just want to crawl into a hole and disappear.  I just wish that Marshall and Bryan and everyone could just forget about me.  Because I know that it would make everybody a lot happier.  Now, nobody be alarmed.  This is not a suicide note or letter or anything like that.  I'm not going to do anything stupid.  I have promised too many people that I won't ever try that.  But if I could just make these people forget about me, that would be amazing.  Because I know that they would be a lot happier.

You know what else?  I think the fact that I might lose my job tomorrow over a stupid test that is NOTHING like the real thing is absolutely obnoxious.  I am in training to be a customer support representative and we have 3 tests.  One per module (section).  If we fail any of the tests, we get one retake per module.  And I failed the voice module today.  And so I get to retake it tomorrow.  And if I fail it, I lose my job.  And it's absolutely stupid because I have no idea what the point of it is.  I've been doing simulations of this stuff for the past 2 weeks and I've been watching the real deal.  And it is NOTHING like what these stupid tests are asking us.  NOTHING AT ALL.  How callers really are and how you actually run the programs and such is NOTHING like what these stupid things are testing you on.

Anyways, that's my rant.  And I still feel stressed.  I might blog again later tonight with more BLAH.  Feel free to ignore that one too.

2 and 1/2 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours and yet another sleepless night ahead.

-R