Empowered. . .

It took me so many nights of not sleeping out of fear of the nightmares.  The nightmares of the things you've said.  The nightmares of you coming after me.  Of you coming into my apartment and killing me.  And of countless other things to do with you.

It took me night after night after night of no sleep for me to realize. .

You have no control over me anymore.  You don't get to hurt me anymore.  Because anybody that doesn't appreciate me for who I am; flaws, mistakes and everything else; doesn't deserve to have me in their life.  And, no, I'm not conceited   But you already know that.  You know I don't think highly of myself.  And so you also know that this is a huge step for me.  And it took a co-worker pulling me aside in the break room, giving me a hug, and telling me that I am a special, beautiful, dorky person for me to realize it.  For me to understand that a lot of people care about me.  And that beating myself up over this and letting you beat me up is not helping anything.  And it is damaging a lot more people than just me.  It is damaging the people that I care about and that care about me.  Because they have to watch me go through all the pain that comes from this.  And I don't want to put them through pain.  Ever.

And I also realized that you didn't mean it when you said you wouldn't leave.  When you said you weren't like the others.  Because you are.  You left.  Just like everyone else.  Just like you promised you wouldn't.  And that's honestly your choice.  And it sucks.  Because I'll miss you.  And if you ever feel like coming back, I will definitely let you.  I'm one that is quick to forgive.

But you don't get to control me.  You don't get to hurt me.

Because I won't let you.

I am nobody's punching bag.