A better understanding. . .

"Surrounded by people that used to say that rhyme about sticks and stones. As if broken bones hurt more than the names we got called and we got called them all. So we grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us. That we'd be lonely forever."

"If you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, then get a better mirror.  Look a little closer.  Stare a little longer."

"If the right people call you friend, it shouldn't matter what anyone else calls you. I know it does - how well I know - but it shouldn't.  And one day, you will forget, and you will forgive, and it won't hurt any more. Then the only names you'll have to fight being called are the ones you call yourself.  I'll warn you now: those are the hardest not to believe."  - Chris Jones

"If you can relate to this, then you too know the pain and suffering that children, teens, and even adults are going through.  If you can relate to this, you made it to the end.  Now ask yourself, how can you help someone else make it to the end before they end themselves." - Kyle Harris

Slipping away. . .

I can feel you slipping away.

Ever since that night that your mom called, you've been pulling.

You tell me that that's not the case but I know better. I've been through this countless times before.

And I'm not gonna even try to stop you this time. Because I've learned that the harder I hold on, the harder someone will pull. And so I just have to watch you walk away. Leaving me behind.

Nice knowing you while I did.

Love you.

- Rachel

Flightless bird. . .

Somedays, I feel like I could fly.
I climb to the top of the tallest cliff I can find. I am confident the whole way up that, this time, I will be able to. That I will jump off and soar away.
I get to the top, jump, and flap my wings just as hard and as fast as I can.
But I am a penguin. I cannot fly. So I fall. I fall and I crash.
And it hurts so much every time. So why do I keep trying to fly?
I just do not know anymore.
I do not know.

The crash. . .

I always get lifted up so high, just to come spiraling down.
Best mood I have been in since before I can remember. Just to have it crash and burn and leave me locked in my room, in tears.
Why can't I just have one good day?

Not an option. . .

I need to get this under control.
I can't just call him in the middle of the night whenever things get really bad.
He's not always gonna be there.
I'm glad he was this time. Who knows what would've happened.
But I need to get this under control.

As if this couldn't get more awesome. . .

My car tried to kill itself and take me with it.

I've decided to fall for the attractive guy at the grocery store that asked me if I was finding everything okay so that I can attempt to forget about the guy I've actually fallen for.
I am just. that. pathetic.

I am so frustrated about everything right now.

What's the difference between me and a calendar. . . ?

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."

Sorry. Feeling kinda bleh and lonely. But not in a "I wanna NCMO" kinda way. More in a "I want someone to cuddle with or hold my hand or play with my hair" kinda way.

Time for another rant. . .

I've been handling myself very well over the past week. But I can't take it anymore. I have to put it all down on paper (well, technological paper) and just get it all off my chest.

Firstly, I think it's time to find a new doctor. My current doctor sucks. He is just like every other moron that thinks that I'm just "being dramatic" with this whole depression thing. He's cutting corners and leaving me on my own with all this. He brushed me off today and told me to go back on my old medication. You know. The stuff that STOPPED WORKING. Yeah. Simply because he doesn't want to put in the effort to actually help me.

Next topic. The next person that calls me out for "sexual harassment" at work can suck my toes. Someone that I've known for nearly 5 years asks me to scratch his back while I'm standing there talking to him and I get called out by someone in front of everyone for "inappropriate work behavior". Are you serious? Firstly, it's not sexual harassment if the other person "consents" or whatever stupid term you want to use. He asked me to. And I wasn't do it "sexually". I was scratching him like you would scratch a dog. Seriously? Grow up. This is obnoxious.

Now. To quote an unknown source. "The truth? I like you. A lot. You make me happy. You make me laugh. You're smart. You're different. You're a little crazy and awkward and your smile alone can make my day." Anyone that doesn't know who I'm talking about doesn't need to. And anyone that does. . . Yeah.
Really, I just want you to smile and be happy. It hurts me to see you upset like this. Especially when you won't talk to me. I mean, I tell you everything and have never betrayed you in any way. Why can't you trust me?

On the topic of where I'm living: Yes, I have temporarily moved in with Hamish's parents. They are amazing and I love them very much. Yes, I am looking for a new place to live. I can't stand the management at my apartment anymore and I need to get to a more stable environment.

On the topic of a certain best friend that I'm almost certain will never read this: I am sorry for my part in all this but I refuse to shoulder all the blame. So stop trying to put it all on me. You know that you were never invisible and that I was almost always putting your interests above my own. Don't insult me. I'm a good friend and I know that now. I was always trying to talk to you and make sure you were okay. You were always brushing me off and ignoring me. I constantly told you how fantastic you looked on whatever day. The first thing you said to me when I cut my hair was "what the hell did you do to your head?"
If you can't accept it, that's not my fault. But I'm not going to allow myself to be treated like crap.
I really hope that we can be friends again some day. But, as for right now, I can't. Because I don't deserve to be treated as an option by someone that I treat as priority.

I am strong and I am worth it.

Too late. . .

I tried to not trust too much. . .
I tried to keep some distance. . .
I tried to not fall. . .

Money. . .

The bank, my apartment managers, and I got in a fight this week.

I lost.

AWESOME!

Late fees for the rent.  Overdraft fees for the negative balance.

AND I'm gonna run out of gas on the way home.  And I have no money to put into the tank!!!

Slowly but surely, I am learning. . .

"I'm quirky, silly, blunt, and broken. My days are sometimes too dark, and my nights are sometimes too long. I often trip over my own insecurities. I require attention, long for passion, and wish to be desired. I use music to speak when words fail me, even though words are as important to me as the air I breathe. I love hard and with all that I have... and even with my faults, I am worth loving."

- Danu Grayson

What hurts the most. . .

What words resonate inside your head for hours, if not days and weeks?

Your roommate/supposed best friend and her mom comment that you're looking "puffy" and pat your stomach saying that you've "definitely been gaining weight.

And they are absolutely serious about it.

What happens now. . . ?

What do you do when you only have one friend left but you're too afraid to get close to them and let them help you because you don't want to fall for them?
Where do you go?
Who do you turn to?

Music. . .

Dance as if nobody's watching.

Sing like nobody's listening.  

Music isn't about being perfect.  

It's about expressing everything that you can't put into normal sentences.

Thank you, Tina Fey. . .

"Every girl is expected to have caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall butt, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, and the arms of Michelle Obama. The only person close to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes. Everyone else is struggling."

Drugs are a good idea. . . Blogging in the middle of the night isn't. . .

I'm in a lot of pain and I'm in a very strange mood.

Sometimes being on my own is hard. . .

I need to go to the chiropractor and the doctor.

Can't wait for next Monday when I'll actually have money.

And the Monday after that, maybe I'll be able to fix my car that sputters and jolts everywhere.

That'll be awesome.

Starting to prepare. . .

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

Time to get out of here for a while.

Where I'm going to go?

California?  Colorado?  New York?

Who knows?  But it's time for a new start.

I've caused enough damage here.

Missing piece. . .

A friend told me (on the topic of being happy) this weekend to "fake it till you make it".  We missed a crucial step in the process though.

. . . First, you have to deserve to be happy.

Dreaming of summer. . .

It's January. It's cold outside. I wear skinny jeans, beanies and sweats all the time and, honestly, I haven't shaved in over a week.

And then I think about summertime. A time that I absolutely loathe. I love the warmth. I love getting tan.
But I am so self-conscious about how I look. I mean, I dress the same way I do during the winter all summer long. Because I hate my legs.

Well, guess what? This year is going to be different. I'm gonna start working out now. So that I can have beautiful, skinny legs by the summertime. So that I can wear my swimsuit and shorts and be comfortable with how I look in them.

This time is going to be different.

Nobody will comment on how ugly or fat my legs are this year.

At a loss. . .

When I think of all that's happening right now, there are no words.

I WANT TO RIDE A TRAIN. . . !

It sucks when you have the sudden HUGE urge to get on a random train, got off at a random stop, and go find something awesome to do.

Especially when you have things like work and a lack of your train buddy standing in your way.


In other news, my penguin hat is cooler than your penguin hat.  Oh, you don't have a penguin hat?  Well doesn't that just suck for you.  (:

I understand. . .

I understand.

The sound of your voice and your laugh hurt me too.  Because I know you're not talking to me.  And I remember making you laugh and how much I freaking love it.

I understand the depression too.  After an awesome day, I crashed tonight.  Hard.  I had one of the worst panic attacks I've had in a long time.  And now I'm really depressed.  And I came to the realization that it's time to get back onto medication.  So I have to go to a doctor.  And I have to go through a month+ of hell.  But it's gonna be worth it.  Because I don't want to feel this way anymore.

You are amazing and strong and I know that you can overcome the depression.

I believe in you.  Even if you don't want me to.

Another note to the guy in the white jacket he never thought he'd buy. . .

I hope you can trust me soon too and realize that I'm not a bad person.  I just made bad decisions.

I know why you left.  I completely understand.  I never questioned that.

You were always adequate to me.  I was the one that wasn't adequate for what you wanted.  And, no, that's not me hating on myself.  It's just how it was.  You wanted more and I couldn't give it to you.  That's just how it is.

Thank you for not getting mean.  I know that you wanted to at times and I know I deserved it at A LOT of those times.  But you also know how much it would've destroyed me to have it happen again.

You were never abusive.  You only got "abusive" (of sorts) when you said that you wanted me to talk to you and then, when I did, you told me to f*** off.  You completely contradicted yourself and then got mad at me for it.  But that only happened once.  Other than that one time, it's been me abusing myself over you.

We both carry fault in this.  And so I'm sorry too.  But if you didn't know that already, you haven't been blog-stalking me as much as I thought and I seriously need to find out who all these page views are coming from (something I should probably do anyways).

I know you're probably not ready to be friends yet.  But whenever you are, I'm here.

(:

Because Rascal Flatts put me in an awesome mood. . .

                                            I LOVE YOU!

Empowered. . .

It took me so many nights of not sleeping out of fear of the nightmares.  The nightmares of the things you've said.  The nightmares of you coming after me.  Of you coming into my apartment and killing me.  And of countless other things to do with you.

It took me night after night after night of no sleep for me to realize. .

You have no control over me anymore.  You don't get to hurt me anymore.  Because anybody that doesn't appreciate me for who I am; flaws, mistakes and everything else; doesn't deserve to have me in their life.  And, no, I'm not conceited   But you already know that.  You know I don't think highly of myself.  And so you also know that this is a huge step for me.  And it took a co-worker pulling me aside in the break room, giving me a hug, and telling me that I am a special, beautiful, dorky person for me to realize it.  For me to understand that a lot of people care about me.  And that beating myself up over this and letting you beat me up is not helping anything.  And it is damaging a lot more people than just me.  It is damaging the people that I care about and that care about me.  Because they have to watch me go through all the pain that comes from this.  And I don't want to put them through pain.  Ever.

And I also realized that you didn't mean it when you said you wouldn't leave.  When you said you weren't like the others.  Because you are.  You left.  Just like everyone else.  Just like you promised you wouldn't.  And that's honestly your choice.  And it sucks.  Because I'll miss you.  And if you ever feel like coming back, I will definitely let you.  I'm one that is quick to forgive.

But you don't get to control me.  You don't get to hurt me.

Because I won't let you.

I am nobody's punching bag.

Please understand. . .

To the guy in the Reddit hat and Converse,

"If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes.  Only then would you realize how special you are to me."

Asleep is my hell. . .

I was happy to see you last night.  

Even though it was only for a second and under horrible circumstances.  

It still made me happy to see you.

Because I still have nightmares about you.

And those make me cry.

The world coming at me. . .

Sometimes, you just need someone to hold your hand.  Just so that you can know that you're not alone.

Too bad I chased everyone away.

So as I look the world in the face, I am on my own.

And it's all my fault.

Up at bat. . .

I'm sorry, I.V.
I'm sorry, M.A.
And I'm especially sorry, B.G.

Three strikes, I'm out.

My first poem in a while. . .

Don't act like you know me
Don't act like you care
Don't tell me you love me
When you're never there

Don't blame this on me
When it's your fault as well
Do you get some sick thrill
From my personal hell?

No more can I handle
The pain and the hurt
The lifting me up
Just to fall back in the dirt

Don't expect to come back
To some huge, grand reception
When all of your words
Were lies and deception

Exactly how I feel right now. . .

Well, you got me to cry. Is that what you wanted? Me to show that I do have feelings? Well, you got it. Good job.

Energy drain. . .

Dear You,

I am not the one that cut the tires here.  You are.  I tried to keep you in my life.  I never "let you go".  I can't.  But you ran away and told me not to come after you.  So you can try and convince yourself that this is my fault all you want.  But, in all reality, you're the reason I'm not there.  Not me.

You contradict yourself and tell me that, if I want you in my life so bad, I need to put forth effort to keep you there.  How, exactly, am I supposed to do that?  Because I've tried everything I can think of.  And every single time, you tell me that, once again, I've failed.  That my friendship still just isn't good enough.

I want to be an anchor for you.  I want to be here to help you.  Because I can tell you're struggling.  I want to be the one that is there for you.  But I can't do that if you won't let me.

I'm still gonna be here whenever, if ever, you want to come back.  Because I promised you I'd never leave.  The same night you promised me the same thing.

Goodbye for now.

Love, Me

Crushed from the inside. . .

I tried.

I tried to talk to you.  Because that's what you said you wanted.  You said that you wanted me to put forth effort to keep you in my life.  And so I tried.  And you slapped me in the face.

I guess I was right to give up hope.

Give me a sign. . .

I would try to put an effort into this. . .

It's not that I don't want you in my life. . .

Because I do. . .

But you said you didn't want me there anymore. . .

You said you wanted your space. . .

And so I'm giving it to you. . .

If you want me to try to keep you in my life, I will. . .

But you have to give me some kind of sign. . .

Let me know somehow that that's what you want. . .

Because I'm not gonna force myself somewhere I know I'm not wanted. . .

You are different. . . You are special. . .

Did you know you actually got me to believe I was beautiful for a second there?

That's seriously saying something.

Your heart isn't part of some "collection".  Because I've never done this before.  And I didn't mean to do it this time.

It kills me that you're in so much pain over me.

Me.  Someone I view to be not worth your time, energy, emotion, or anything else.

I'm still sorry.  But I've lost hope that you'll ever come back.

Where to look. . .

Want to see the happiest points?  Look at my Instagram.

Want to see the surface?  Look at my Facebook.

Want to see the internal workings?  Look here, at my blog.

Want to see my heart?  You have to close your eyes and listen.

Want to see everything mixed into one?  Simply look at me.

I'm nobody's possibility. . .

So you can stop thinking of me as one now.  I am not a possibility for anybody.  

Seeking out attention from "other guys so much" doesn't make me happy.  

I hope you can stop hurting soon too.  

But, honestly, I'm jealous of your pain.

At least you can feel something. 

The irony of it being NYD. . .

So I'm not usually one to be all "This year is going to be the best year yet!" on New Years Day.  It gets annoying that everybody does it and I honestly don't know if it's going to be the best year.  I'm going into it with a few odds stacked against me.  But, sitting on my couch in my pajamas, I look at the year ahead of me and know that, even if it's not "the best year ever in the entire universe ", I am going to make it through it.  I am going to have good times and bad times.  Things are gonna happen that knock me flat on my face.  And there are gonna be people that come and help me as well as some that come and kick me while I'm down.  But that's life.  That's how it always rolls.  And, as I look at that realization in the face, I realized that I'm okay with that.  Because this year is going to be another year of progress.  It's going to be a year of everything.  Just like last year.  And the year before that.  And that's just how it is.  How it always has been.  How it always will be.

I'm not going to make a bunch of goals that I'm not going to meet because making a goal that lasts a whole year that is almost impossible to measure seems stupid.  Plus, it just makes you feel like a failure when you don't reach that goal.  I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm going to work out more or eat healthier or do more service work or better budget my money.  I hope that I can get better at those things this year but I'm not going to make this hugely unrealistic goal in relation to those things.  I'm going to take every day as it comes, I'm going to laugh when I should and cry when I need to.  I'm going to be the best person I can be.  And I'm going to be a friend to those that are in need of one.  I'm going to let go of people that don't want to be in my life and I'm going to hold tight to the ones that do.  I'm going to be a positive person.  I'm going to look at the bright side as much as possible but I'm not going to beat myself up when I do get into a low emotional state.

This is my goal.  This is me.

In the best mood I've been in in an incredibly long time and feeling incredibly optimistic,

-Rachel